What options do single African women in diaspora have?

By Silas NyanchwaniThe last person single African women want to advise them about marriage is an African male who is lives in Africa. This will definitely get their blood boiling, but were it not for the confessions of their woes to me and my friends, I won’t be writing on this touchy issue.African single women in the diaspora often suffer in silence. The grapevine has it that in the dating pool, they rank rather lowly, so much that they are not as desirable in a country where marriage is less about love but a strategic partnership. Most African women despise men from their country of origin for a number of reasons among them: they may not give them 'papers', they are backward (not open to the idea of blowing money in ‘silly’ vacations) and controlling in a country where women are as free as wind.Most African men in the West hardly change the way of their ancestors. They only make necessary adjustments in line with the law, but culturally, they stick with the African way-culturally, which is profoundly good for the human soul than competitive, individualistic and soul-crushing culture of the West. Maybe it is because of the repressed culture, but most African women upon landing in the West, they tend to abandon African culture and adapt the Western culture and this is the chief source of problems for many women in the diaspora.Let’s say a woman arrives in the United States when she is 20, young and unmarried. With the money in the purse, freedom in the air, and youthful idealism (read recklessness) powering her, she will go on a wild-spree and waste her 20s away and by the time she opens her eyes, she will be 33, monied but single. The evolutionary or biblical urge for marriage will be beckoning.In a twist of fate, the men from her country she used to reject would have moved on and married women back in Africa or the rational younger ones they met in the States who didn’t buy into the American dream wholeheartedly.A woman past 30 has diminishing options when it comes to marriage. It is the way of life. She has either older men or younger men who are jokes eyeing her money and milking her vulnerability. No matter how tough they act, how intolerant to male bullshit they are, beneath the veneer of the tough skin, is desperate desire to be married. But you can never reverse the life clock and one must learn to live with the consequences of their choices. The Spanish have a saying; “in life, take what you want, but be ready to pay the price.”So, what should a single woman past 28 in the diaspora do? I know I’m about to sound like an idiot, but probably I am.  The first thing is to come back home. Not literally, but to adopt the respective culture of the African communities that raised them. Certainly, there are certain cultural aspects that are now misplaced or outdated, but African men always wanted their women submissive. What most women get wrong when you drop the S-word (submission) they think it is blatant domination by the male sex. Far from it.Submission is not any different from what all of us do every day in our life. We submit to authorities like the government, your preacher, your boss. Someone has to be in charge. And the way life is designed, within a marriage set-up, it is the man who is most suited to be the in charge. But in the real and practical sense it is women who run the show. The authority that men seek is so titular that women who learn this early in life end up succeeding in marriage.A wise woman is the obedient and submissive woman, but who knows her rights and place in marriage so that the man does not take advantage of her. Of course, many women often make wrong choices of men when dating, end up eloping or living with bad men who later jump ship leading them to conclude that all men are dogs. It starts by making the right choice. The urge for tall, dark and handsome, with some thug appeal and all should stop at 23. In marriage, you need a mature man, who can hold it down and stay with you to old age.Independence is a good thing for women, but it is a heavy price to pay. You can still have it all if you understand the politics of marriage and relationships. It is never about money, but more about mutual respect and the ability to have a shared dream with another human being. Most women must understand that they need to wield more soft power for a relationship to work than hard power.Secondly, they must go slow on the partying. The rule still holds, men always think of women who party too much as only good enough for no-strings-attached sex. It is not fair, but it is the way life is. Party when young, but the older you grow, the more you should go slow on liquor, cigarettes and drugs. It is good for your health and it creates an environment for children to grow.Thirdly, such women need to be transparent about their cash and be ready to be supportive of their men, as long as it is not on alcohol or drugs or sponsoring his cheating ways. Most diaspora men I have talked to say that African women have a strange relationship with their money in a marriage set up. I think women are like that generally. But a good wife is the one who lets their husband manage their resources for them.To assume there is such a thing as equality in marriage or in the world is to live in Utopia. Come down to earth, and adjust accordingly to the expectations of the men who are available rather than killing yourself with standards for men who don’t even notice you. East or West, South or North, For better or for worse, home is still the best and men from your country are still the best choice you have.@nyanchwanisnyanchwani@gmail.com